I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
