Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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