i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
A bitchslap is in order.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
