You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
