guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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