Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
