Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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