My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
