wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
