Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Text me some of your sweat
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