What a fucking waste of an outfit
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Too much gin, very little bucket
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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