cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
