i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
