benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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