I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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