One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
