I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
