he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Randomize
