Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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