I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
