why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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