I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
