Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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