New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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