He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
