Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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