Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
