Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
