I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
