the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
