people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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