this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
