my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My ATM looks so different sober.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
