WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
