I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
