So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
