She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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