Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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