I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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