oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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