Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
