I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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