I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
