ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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