did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
