would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
