my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
