So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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