I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
