I am puke
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
