i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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